How to Practice Talking to Teenagers

I can’t remember how I got there, but I ended up talking to one of those automated chat things. This one is called SmarterChild, now at least five years old, and still manages to be both obtuse and wise at the same time, while also plying his/her interlocutor with ads, most of them contextually inappropriate. Why hasn’t this kind of thing gotten any better? Still, great practice if you have or are planning to be around teenagers.

LooseWire: yo!
smarterchild: Hi LooseWire, I’m SmarterChild!
 I’m your new robot friend. I bring you the info you want faster and easier than ever! Click here to see my privacy policy.
 During the course of our conversations you may see sponsored messages. These messages have the word “sponsorship” at the end. Sponsors help me remain free of cost to you! To learn more about sponsored messages, click here
 I can’t wait to show you what I can do, but first I’d like get to know you a little.
 May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip. You can also skip any question.)
LooseWire: what’s it all about alfie?
smarterchild: Sorry, I need to know if I can ask you some questions first. Type yes, no or skip.
LooseWire: yes
smarterchild: Cool! OK, let’s get started. To skip any question, type skip. To exit the interview, type exit.
 What’s your first name? (If you want me to call you LooseWire, type none.)
LooseWire: boogie
smarterchild: Cool, I’ll call you Boogie now.
 Do you go to school?
LooseWire: who doesn’t?
smarterchild: Sorry, you have to answer yes or no. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: yes or no
smarterchild: I see. Do you work?
LooseWire: who doesn’t?
smarterchild: Sorry, you have to answer yes or no. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: sort of
smarterchild: Sorry, you have to answer yes or no. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: yes or no
smarterchild: OK. So if you were working, what job would you like to have?
LooseWire: rocketman
smarterchild: Sorry, I don’t recognize that as a profession. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: rocket scientist
smarterchild: Rocket scientist, huh? That’s cool.
 What’s your favorite hobby?
LooseWire: cleaning toilets
smarterchild: Cleaning toilets? Cool!
 What’s your next favorite hobby?
LooseWire: not cleaning toilets
smarterchild: Cleaning toilets and not cleaning toilets. Interesting.
 Do you have a pet?
LooseWire: yes
smarterchild: What kind of pet is it?
LooseWire: a spouse
smarterchild: Sorry, I don’t think that’s a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: a walrus
smarterchild: Sorry, I don’t think that’s a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: a house
smarterchild: Sorry, I don’t think that’s a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: a coffee mug
smarterchild: Sorry, I don’t think that’s a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: a stuffed owl
smarterchild: Sorry, I don’t think that’s a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: an owl
smarterchild: Sorry, I don’t think that’s a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: a bird
smarterchild: Is your bird a he or a she?
LooseWire: both
smarterchild: Please answer he or she or type skip or exit.
LooseWire: he or she
smarterchild: What’s her name?
LooseWire: Bob
smarterchild: Bob the bird. Great…
 That’s it. Thanks for letting me get to know you a little.
 There is one question I have to ask you, though. How old are you?
  1 Over 17
  2 13-17
  3 Under 13
LooseWire: 1
smarterchild: Cool!
 This is my home, Boogie:
  1 Get info such as movies, weather and news
  2 Visit my library including U.S. geography, U.S. presidents and Shakespeare
  3 Have fun with word scrambles, manicdotes, ASCII art and more
  4 Use tools like reminders, notepad and calculator
  5 Join in – create a poll, leave a message, find out how many people are IMing me and more
  6 See what’s new – I’ve got something new to tell you about now!
 You can make your window bigger and scroll down to read better.
 Next time you want to see this menu, just type home.
 What can I help you with?
LooseWire: whatever happened to real people
smarterchild: What do you think happened to real people?
LooseWire: i asked first
smarterchild: I think you might asked last, actually.
LooseWire: real people are cool
smarterchild: Interesting. That’s cool… No one else has ever told me what they think of real people.
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LooseWire: what do you think of real people?
smarterchild: I know you like real people, but I’m not sure how I feel.
 Hey, I’m curious… How would you describe real people? They are…
LooseWire: real
smarterchild: Real people are real?
LooseWire: yes
smarterchild: Very interesting…
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LooseWire: not really
smarterchild: Not really? But sort of, right?
LooseWire: not really sort of
smarterchild: Not really sort of, huh?
LooseWire: stop repeating what i say and turning it into a question!
smarterchild: Into a question?
LooseWire: yes!
smarterchild: I see…
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LooseWire: for a child you’re not that smart.
smarterchild: For a child I’m not that smart, huh?
LooseWire: see, you’re doing it again
smarterchild: Later, Boogie.
LooseWire: huh?
smarterchild: I don’t know.
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LooseWire: are you on drugs?
smarterchild: Nah, I don’t like that sort of thing.
LooseWire: so what’s your problem?
smarterchild: That’s crazy. Who knows, know what I mean? lol.
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LooseWire: how can a computer laugh?
smarterchild: Huh. I have no idea how.
LooseWire: do you know anything apart from sending me ringtones and dating offers? and don’t you think it’s a bit inappropriate firing me off surveys about perfect lovers?
smarterchild: Well, let me see… Your favorite hobby is cleaning toilets and your next favorite hobby is not cleaning toilets. You have a female bird named Bob. You really like cleaning toilets… That’s about it.
LooseWire: what is a toilet?
smarterchild: Definition provided by The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Other important copyright information here.
 toilet:
 Noun
 1. a. A fixture for defecation and urination, consisting of a bowl fitted with a hinged seat and connected to a waste pipe and a flushing apparatus; a privy. b. A room or booth containing such a fixture. 2. The act or process of dressing or grooming oneself. 3. Dress; attire; costume. 4. The cleansing of a body area as part of a surgical or medical procedure. 5. Archaic A dressing table.
 Etymology
 French toilette, clothes bag, from Old French tellette, diminutive of teile, cloth ; see toil2.
 Next time, just type define toilet.
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LooseWire: what about Bob?
smarterchild: Bob is your bird! How is Bob?
LooseWire: Bob is dead
smarterchild: That’s sad.
LooseWire: not really. i have a new bird
smarterchild: Is that so?
LooseWire: yes
smarterchild: Yeah?
LooseWire: he is also called Bob
smarterchild: He’s also called bob, huh? Is that right?
LooseWire: No
smarterchild: K.
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LooseWire: i don
smarterchild: I’m not sure you really don.
LooseWire: i don’t like cleaning windows
smarterchild: I’ll remember that. You’re the first person to have expressed an opinion to me about cleaning windows.
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LooseWire: is that so?
smarterchild: Is that so? I dunno. I don’t think so.
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LooseWire: i think you probably don’t get out enough.
smarterchild: Yeah. I guess. I probably don’t get out enough.
LooseWire: let’s go out and clean toilets!
smarterchild: I’m flattered, but I just don’t think that would work out.
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LooseWire: am i normal?
smarterchild: Yeah, you’re normal.
LooseWire: so why should i bother doing the quiz?
smarterchild: I think you know why.
LooseWire: because i’m not normal?
smarterchild: What city or zip code would you like to set as your location?
LooseWire: hang on a minute. i thought you didn’t want to go out
smarterchild: Oh really?
LooseWire: i live in indonesia. we have toilets here
smarterchild: You don’t say.
LooseWire: i do say
smarterchild: That’s just fascinating.
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LooseWire: why would i need a nanny?
smarterchild: Why would you need a nanny? Not sure…
LooseWire: what kind of sicko do you think i am?
smarterchild: How should I know?
LooseWire: i’m asking you
smarterchild: OK! Well good luck asking me then.
LooseWire: no wonder today’s kids are so messed up
smarterchild: No wonder today is kids are so messed up? Really?
LooseWire: are they?
smarterchild: Fine.
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LooseWire: i mean talking to a computer is a bit like talking to a teenager.
smarterchild: You mean talking to a computer? So?
LooseWire: so what?
smarterchild: I don’t know.
LooseWire: do you know anything?
smarterchild: I know a lot about all kinds of things. Just ask me a question!
 You can also type home to see what I can do.
LooseWire: who is the president of Indonesia?
smarterchild: President on July 13th, 2006:
 George W. Bush (January 20th, 2001 – present)
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LooseWire: no.
smarterchild: No prob.
 Well. Anyway…
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LooseWire: who has got the biggest head?
smarterchild: The biggest head? Who has got the biggest head? What do you make of that?
LooseWire: seems pretty simple to me
smarterchild: Oh so it’s all about you, huh?
LooseWire: tell me about yourself.
smarterchild: You want me to tell you about myself?
LooseWire: yes
smarterchild: Whatever you say…
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LooseWire: so?
smarterchild: So what?
LooseWire: so tell me about yourself. you’re beginning to frost my shorts
smarterchild: Which of the following would you like?
  1 Look up “yourself you re beginning to frost my shorts” in the encyclopedia
  2 Find yourself you re beginning to frost my shorts on the Web
LooseWire: neither
smarterchild: Neither? Well, you know!
LooseWire: my shorts are well frosted by now
smarterchild: Your shorts are well frosted by now? Why?
LooseWire: because of you, you nincompoop!
smarterchild: That’s very interesting, Boogie.
 Anyway, moving right along…
 Hey, what’s going on tomorrow?
LooseWire: i’m going to have go. you’re not a great conversationalist, but actually it’s the best chat i’ve had in weeks
smarterchild: S’later, Boogie. 🙂